Relationships · 2 min read
How to Improve Your Listening Skills
Practical ways to become a better listener: give full attention, ask open questions, reflect back what you hear, resist fixing and notice what's left unsaid.
In short
Good listening means giving full attention, asking open questions, reflecting back what you hear, resisting the urge to fix or interrupt, and checking you've understood. It strengthens relationships and helps people feel valued.
Most of us think we're decent listeners. Yet how often do we half-listen while thinking about what to say next, check our phones mid-conversation or jump in with advice before the other person has finished? Good listening is a skill, and like any skill, it can be improved.
Why listening matters
Being truly listened to is a powerful experience. It helps people feel understood, valued and connected. Research by Guy Itzchakov and colleagues has found that when speakers experience high-quality listening, they tend to feel less anxious, reflect more deeply and express their views in a more nuanced way.
Asking questions also matters. In a 2017 set of studies, Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, during conversations were rated as more likeable by their partners.
Practical ways to listen better
1. Give full attention
Put your phone away. Turn towards the person. Make comfortable eye contact. If you can't give attention right now, say so and suggest another time.
2. Stop planning your reply
Many people listen with half their mind while preparing what to say. Try to focus fully on what the other person is saying. Your reply will be better if you've really understood.
3. Ask open questions
Open questions invite more than a yes or no: "How did that feel?" "What happened next?" "What do you think you'll do?" Follow-up questions show you're interested.
4. Reflect back
Summarise or paraphrase what you heard: "So you're feeling frustrated because..." This shows you've listened and gives the other person a chance to clarify.
5. Resist the urge to fix
When someone shares a problem, it's tempting to offer solutions straight away. Often, people first want to be heard. Ask: "Would you like advice, or would you just like me to listen?"
6. Don't interrupt
Let people finish. Pauses are fine; they often give the speaker time to say what's really on their mind.
7. Notice non-verbal cues
Tone of voice, facial expressions and body language often communicate as much as words. Notice what's left unsaid.
8. Avoid making it about you
Sharing a similar experience can show empathy, but be careful not to take over the conversation. Keep the focus on the speaker.
9. Check understanding
Before responding, check: "Have I understood correctly?" It prevents misunderstandings and shows respect.
Listening in difficult conversations
Listening is especially important during conflict. When emotions run high, try to understand the other person's view before sharing your own. You don't have to agree to acknowledge their feelings. Our article on five causes of conflict has more.
Listening to yourself
Good listening also applies inwardly. Taking time to notice your own thoughts and feelings, through journaling, reflection or quiet time, helps you understand what you need.
Practise daily
Choose one conversation each day to practise. Focus on giving full attention, asking one follow-up question and reflecting back what you heard. Notice how the conversation feels.
Try this
In your next conversation, put your phone away, ask at least two follow-up questions and reflect back what you heard before responding.
Related: phone a friend and how to heal your relationships.
Sources and further reading
- Itzchakov et al. (2017), The listener sets the tone: high-quality listening increases attitude clarity and behavior-intention consequences, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
- Huang et al. (2017), It doesn't hurt to ask: question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Questions people ask
How do I listen when I disagree?
Aim to understand before you respond. Summarise their view in a way they'd agree with, then share yours. People are far more open to a different opinion once they feel heard.
What if someone talks too much?
You can still listen well and set limits kindly, for example by saying you have ten minutes and want to hear the main point.
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