Do You Need to Let Go and Forgive?

Holding a grudge can feel like protection. If you stay angry, you won't be hurt again; if you don't forgive, the other person won't get away with it. But resentment has a cost, and it's usually paid by the person carrying it.

This article isn't about telling you to forgive someone. That's your decision, and some hurts take a long time. It's about understanding what forgiveness actually involves, so you can decide whether and when it's right for you.

What forgiveness is

Researchers who study forgiveness generally describe it as an internal process: a decision to let go of resentment, bitterness and the desire for revenge towards someone who has wronged you. Over time, some people also develop more neutral or even compassionate feelings towards the person.

What forgiveness isn't

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not:

• Excusing. You can forgive and still say clearly that what happened was wrong.
• Forgetting. You'll remember. The memory just carries less pain.
• Reconciling. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life, especially if they're unsafe.
• Letting someone off the hook. Legal or practical consequences can still apply.
• A one-off event. It's usually a process, sometimes with setbacks.

Why it can help

A body of research suggests forgiveness is linked to wellbeing. A 2014 meta-analysis led by Nathaniel Wade reviewed studies of structured forgiveness interventions and found that participants generally became more forgiving and reported reductions in depression and anxiety and increases in hope, compared with those who received no treatment. The effects were moderate and depended on how much time people spent on the process.

A step-by-step approach

Psychologist Everett Worthington developed the REACH model, which has been tested in many studies. In simplified form:

1. Recall the hurt. Acknowledge what happened honestly, without minimising or exaggerating it. Writing it down can help.
2. Empathise. Try to understand, not excuse, what might have led the person to act as they did. Stress, fear, their own history? This step is often the hardest.
3. Altruistic gift. Think of a time you were forgiven by someone and how it felt. Consider offering forgiveness as a gift, freely given.
4. Commit. Make your decision concrete, perhaps by writing a letter you don't send or telling a trusted friend.
5. Hold on. When the anger returns, as it often will, remind yourself of your decision rather than assuming it failed.

Forgiving yourself

Sometimes the person we most need to forgive is ourselves. Self-forgiveness works best when it includes taking responsibility, making amends where possible and learning from what happened, rather than simply deciding to feel better. Our article on making mistakes and overcoming them covers this.

When forgiveness isn't the right goal yet

If you've experienced abuse, trauma or ongoing harm, your first priority is safety and support. Pressure to forgive quickly can be harmful. A qualified therapist can help you work through what happened at a pace that's right for you.

Letting go of smaller grudges

Not every grudge is about serious harm. Many are about small slights that we've replayed for years: a careless comment, a missed invitation, an unreturned favour. For these, ask yourself: is holding on to this still serving me? What would it feel like to let it go?

Try this

Think of one grudge you're carrying. Write a short letter to the person (you don't need to send it) describing what happened, how it affected you and what you'd like to let go of. Notice how you feel afterwards.

Related: how to heal your relationships and your past does not determine your future.

Sources and further reading

• Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
• Everett Worthington: REACH forgiveness