Are You a Pushover? How to Boost Your Assertiveness Today

Do you agree to things you don't want to do? Find it hard to send back a wrong order in a restaurant? Stay quiet in meetings even when you disagree? Feel resentful because people seem to take advantage of your good nature? If so, you might be a bit of a pushover. The good news is that assertiveness is a skill, and skills can be learned.

Three communication styles

It helps to understand three broad ways of handling situations where your needs and others' needs conflict:

Passive: You put others' needs ahead of your own, avoid conflict and keep your opinions to yourself. In the short term, it keeps the peace. In the long term, it often leads to resentment, stress and being overlooked.
Aggressive: You put your own needs first, often at others' expense, through criticism, raised voices or intimidation. You may get your way, but relationships suffer.
Assertive: You express your needs, feelings and opinions clearly and honestly, while respecting other people's. You stand up for yourself without putting others down.

Many people swing between passive and aggressive: they hold things in until they finally explode. Assertiveness is the healthier middle path.

Signs you lean passive

You say yes when you mean no.
You apologise frequently, even when you've done nothing wrong.
You struggle to make decisions in groups, deferring to others.
You avoid expressing disagreement.
You feel others don't respect your time or boundaries.
You often feel resentful or taken for granted.

Why assertiveness matters

Health organisations such as the Mayo Clinic describe assertiveness as a way to reduce stress and communicate more effectively. Being able to say what you need helps you protect your time, your health and your self-respect. It also helps others: people can't meet your needs if they don't know what they are.

Practical techniques

Use "I" statements. Describe the situation and your feelings without blaming. "I feel overwhelmed when extra tasks are added at the last minute. Could we plan these earlier?" works better than "You always dump work on me."

Be clear and brief. Long explanations can sound like excuses and invite negotiation. "I can't stay late tonight" is enough.

Practise saying no. Start with low-stakes situations. Our challenge day on just saying no has scripts you can adapt.

Use the broken record technique. If someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat your position without getting drawn into arguments. "I understand, but I won't be able to do it." "I hear you. I still won't be able to do it."

Pay attention to body language. Stand or sit upright, make comfortable eye contact and speak at a steady pace. Your body can reinforce your words.

Prepare for big conversations. Before asking for a pay rise or raising a difficult issue, write down your main points and practise them aloud.

Start small

If assertiveness feels uncomfortable, build up gradually:

Express a preference about something small: where to eat, which film to watch.
Return an item to a shop or send back a wrong order politely.
Share an opinion in a meeting.
Decline a request you'd normally accept.
Raise a concern with a friend, partner or colleague.

Each small success builds confidence for the next.

Assertiveness isn't always safe

In some situations, such as with an abusive partner or in a workplace with serious power imbalances, being assertive can carry real risks. Your safety comes first. Seek support from trusted people, specialist services or professionals.

Expect some pushback

When you start being more assertive, some people may be surprised or resist, especially if they've benefited from your saying yes. Stay calm and consistent. Most people adjust, and healthy relationships usually become stronger.

Try this

Choose one situation this week where you'd normally stay quiet or go along with something. Prepare one clear "I" statement and use it.

Sources and further reading

Mayo Clinic: Being assertive, reduce stress, communicate better