How to Increase Your Negotiation Skills: Lessons from Getting to Yes

Negotiation isn't just for business deals and salary talks. We negotiate constantly: with partners about chores, with children about bedtime, with landlords, colleagues, neighbours and customer service agents. Getting better at it can make everyday life smoother and help you get fairer outcomes.

One of the most influential books on the subject is Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, first published in 1981 by Roger Fisher and William Ury of the Harvard Negotiation Project, with later editions co-authored by Bruce Patton. It introduced an approach called principled negotiation.

The four principles

1. Separate the people from the problem

Negotiations often get personal. People feel attacked, defensive or disrespected, and the real issue gets lost. The book suggests treating the other person as a partner working on a shared problem rather than an opponent.

In practice: Acknowledge emotions, listen actively and avoid blaming. Speak about the issue, not the person: "We need to find a schedule that works" rather than "You're always unreasonable."

2. Focus on interests, not positions

A position is what someone says they want. An interest is why they want it. Focusing on interests often reveals solutions that satisfy both sides.

The book's well-known example involves two people in a library arguing about whether a window should be open or closed. One wants fresh air; the other wants to avoid a draught. The librarian opens a window in the next room, meeting both interests.

In practice: Ask "why?" and "what's important to you about this?" Share your own interests too.

3. Invent options for mutual gain

Instead of arguing over a single solution, brainstorm several possibilities before deciding. Separate inventing from evaluating so people feel free to suggest ideas.

In practice: "Let's come up with a few options before we decide." Look for trades: things that are cheap for you but valuable to them, and vice versa.

4. Insist on objective criteria

When interests genuinely conflict, use fair standards rather than willpower to decide. These might include market value, expert opinion, precedent, law or equal treatment.

In practice: "What's the going rate for this role in our area?" "What would a neutral expert say?"

Know your BATNA

One of the book's most practical concepts is the BATNA: your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. In other words, what will you do if you can't reach a deal?

Knowing your BATNA helps you:

Avoid accepting a bad deal out of fear.
Walk away confidently when an offer is worse than your alternative.
Negotiate with more calm, because you have options.

Before any important negotiation, write down your BATNA and look for ways to improve it.

Preparing for a negotiation

Clarify your interests and priorities.
Think about the other side's likely interests.
Research objective criteria.
Identify your BATNA and theirs.
Brainstorm possible options.
Plan your opening and key points.

Everyday examples

Salary: Research market rates (criteria), know what other offers you have (BATNA), focus on what matters to you, such as flexibility or development, not just pay (interests).
Household chores: Understand what each person dislikes and enjoys (interests), brainstorm a fair split (options).
Customer complaints: Stay calm and polite (people), explain what outcome you want and why (interests), refer to policies or consumer rights (criteria).

Try this

Think of a negotiation coming up in your life. Write down your interests, the other person's likely interests, three possible options, an objective standard and your BATNA.