Day 8: Phone a Friend (an Actual Call)

Text messages, likes and comments keep us loosely connected to dozens of people. Yet it's surprisingly rare to actually hear a friend's voice. Today's challenge is simple and, for many people, slightly uncomfortable: phone a friend.

Why a call?

Texting is convenient, but it strips out tone, laughter and the little pauses that make a conversation feel warm. In a 2021 study, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people expected voice calls to be more awkward than text-based exchanges, but when they actually tried both, the voice conversations created a noticeably stronger sense of connection, without being any more awkward than people experienced with text.

In other words, the barrier is mostly in our heads.

Why friendship matters

One of the longest-running studies of adult life, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, has followed participants since 1938. Its directors have repeatedly highlighted the quality of people's relationships as one of the strongest predictors of their health and happiness later in life. Friendships, like any relationship, need regular care to stay strong.

Who to call

Think of someone you'd genuinely be glad to hear from:

A friend who moved away.
Someone you used to be close to but haven't spoken to in a year or more.
A relative you only ever see at weddings and funerals.
A friend who's going through a hard time.

If you're nervous, start with someone easy. You can work up to the trickier reconnections later.

Getting past the awkwardness

Many people worry a call will feel intrusive. A quick text first can help: "Have you got ten minutes for a call later? I was thinking of you." That gives them a chance to pick a good time.

When they answer, keep it simple. "I was thinking about you and realised it's been ages. How are you?" Most people are delighted to be remembered.

Things to talk about

What's been happening in each other's lives since you last spoke.
A shared memory: "Do you remember when we...?"
What they're looking forward to.
Something specific you appreciate about them.

Listen more than you talk. Ask follow-up questions. Our article on improving your listening skills has more on this.

Before you hang up

If the call goes well, suggest a next step: another call in a month, or meeting up if you live close enough. Put it in your calendar.

If it doesn't go perfectly

Sometimes the timing is bad or the conversation feels flat. That's fine. You reached out, which is the point, and the friendship is a little stronger for it. Try again another day or with another friend.

Today's challenge

Make at least one voice or video call to a friend or relative you haven't spoken to recently. Note how you felt before and after.

Sources and further reading

Questions people ask

What if they don't pick up?

Leave a short, warm voicemail or send a message saying you'd love to catch up and suggesting a time. Missing a call is normal. The point of the day is reaching out, and that part is already done.

Does a video call count?

Yes. Video or voice both give you tone, laughter and real-time conversation, which is what makes calls feel more connecting than text. Choose whatever is easiest for the person you're calling.

How often should I call friends?

There's no rule. A recurring reminder, monthly for some friends and every few months for others, keeps friendships from drifting without anyone having to remember.