If You Could, What Would You Do Over Again?

If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be? Take a job you turned down? Spend more time with someone who's gone? Study something different? Speak up when you stayed silent?

Regret can be painful. Used well, it can also be one of the most useful guides to how you want to live from here.

What people regret most

Research gives some insight. In a 1995 review, Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Husted Medvec found that in the short term, people tend to regret actions that went badly. But looking back over their whole lives, people more often regret inactions: the chances not taken, the words left unsaid, the paths not explored.

In a 2005 analysis of regret studies, Neal Roese and Amy Summerville found that the most common areas of regret were education, career, romance and parenting. They suggested that people tend to regret most in areas where they see opportunities for change.

Reflecting without dwelling

Thinking about regrets can easily turn into rumination, going over the same painful thoughts without resolution. To keep reflection useful:

Set a time limit. Spend twenty to thirty minutes, then stop.
Write rather than ruminate. Putting thoughts on paper helps contain them.
Focus on learning, not blame.
Be kind to yourself. You made decisions with the knowledge, resources and maturity you had at the time.

A do-over exercise

Step 1: List your do-overs

Write down three to five things you'd do differently if you could. Be honest. They might be big (career choices) or small (a conversation).

Step 2: Find the value

For each do-over, ask: what does this regret tell me about what I value? Regret over not travelling might point to adventure. Regret over not calling a friend might point to connection.

Step 3: What can you still do?

Many regrets contain something you can still act on, in a different form:

Didn't go to university? You can study now, through evening courses, online learning or reading.
Lost touch with a friend? You can reach out.
Didn't pursue a creative passion? You can start now.
Didn't say something important to someone? If they're still alive and it's safe, you can say it. If not, you could write a letter you don't send.

Step 4: Accept what you can't change

Some regrets can't be acted on. The person may be gone, the opportunity closed. For these, the work is acceptance: acknowledging the loss, grieving if needed and carrying the lesson forward. Our article on letting go and forgiving includes self-forgiveness.

Step 5: Prevent future regrets

Look ahead. Based on what you've learned, what choices could you make now to reduce regret later? What opportunities are in front of you that you might later wish you'd taken?

Regret isn't all bad

Psychologists generally see regret as a useful emotion when it prompts learning and change. People who never feel regret may not learn from their mistakes. The goal is to feel regret, learn from it and move forward, not to be stuck in it.

When regret overwhelms

If regret is constant, consuming or tied to guilt that won't lift, it may be worth talking to a counsellor or therapist.

Try this

Complete the five-step exercise above. Choose one thing you can still act on and take a first step this week.