Something to Think About: Sacrifice

Sacrifice is a heavy word. It can call to mind soldiers, saints and parents giving everything for their children. But in everyday life, sacrifice is more ordinary: giving up an evening of television to study, a lie-in to exercise, a purchase to save for something more important, time with friends to care for a family member.

Every meaningful goal involves some kind of sacrifice. The question is which sacrifices are worth making.

Sacrifice as trade-off

At its simplest, sacrifice means giving up something of value for something you value more. Economists call this opportunity cost: whatever you choose, you're giving up the alternatives. Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else.

Seen this way, sacrifice isn't necessarily noble or painful. It's simply part of making choices.

When sacrifice is worth it

Sacrifices tend to be worthwhile when they:

• Serve your values. Giving up time to support a friend in need, if connection matters to you.
• Are chosen freely. Not imposed by guilt or pressure.
• Are sustainable. You can keep making them without burning out.
• Lead somewhere meaningful. Towards a goal, relationship or cause you care about.

Sacrifice in relationships

Research on sacrifice in relationships offers some interesting insights. In a 2005 study, Emily Impett and colleagues found that the motives behind sacrifices mattered. When people made sacrifices for approach motives, such as to make their partner happy or to create intimacy, they tended to experience more positive emotions and relationship satisfaction. When they sacrificed for avoidance motives, such as to avoid conflict or a partner's disappointment, they tended to experience more negative emotions and lower satisfaction.

In other words, why you give something up affects how it feels.

When sacrifice becomes harmful

Not all sacrifice is healthy. Be cautious when sacrifices:

• Damage your health: chronic sleep deprivation, ignoring illness, constant stress.
• Harm important relationships: neglecting family or friends for work, for example.
• Aren't asked for or valued: giving up things others don't want you to give up.
• Become resentment: sacrificing out of obligation and then feeling bitter.
• Never end: some people sacrifice so constantly that they lose sight of their own needs.

If this sounds familiar, it may be worth reflecting on whether your sacrifices are truly serving the people and values you care about.

Choosing your sacrifices

Some questions to ask:

1. What am I currently giving up, and for what?
2. Is this sacrifice aligned with my values?
3. Is it sustainable?
4. Am I doing it freely or out of guilt or fear?
5. Is there a way to achieve the same goal with less sacrifice?

Honouring others' sacrifices

Many of us benefit from sacrifices others have made: parents, teachers, carers, people who served in wars or fought for rights we enjoy. Acknowledging these sacrifices can foster gratitude and perspective. Our article on Remembrance Day touches on this.

Try this

Write down three sacrifices you're currently making. For each, ask whether it serves your values and is sustainable. Choose one to keep proudly and, if needed, one to reconsider.

Related: something to think about: self-reliance and the stress buster nobody talks about: doing less.

Sources and further reading

• Impett et al. (2005), Giving up and giving in: the costs and benefits of daily sacrifice in intimate relationships, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Questions people ask

How do I know if I'm sacrificing too much?

Warning signs include persistent exhaustion, resentment, declining health and the feeling that your own needs never count. If you notice these, it's worth reviewing what you're giving up and talking honestly with the people involved.