Are You Paying Attention? Help Can Come from Anywhere

When we need help, we tend to look in obvious places: close friends, family, our boss. Those people matter. But help, ideas and opportunities often come from places we'd never think to look: a casual acquaintance, a stranger on a train, a book picked up by chance, a conversation overheard in a café.

The question is whether we're paying attention when they arrive.

The strength of weak ties

In 1973, sociologist Mark Granovetter published a now-classic paper called "The Strength of Weak Ties". He studied how people found jobs and discovered that many had heard about their jobs through acquaintances, people they saw only occasionally, rather than close friends.

His explanation was simple. Close friends tend to know the same people and hear the same information as you. Acquaintances move in different circles, so they're more likely to bring news of opportunities you wouldn't otherwise hear about.

Later research, including a large study using LinkedIn data published in 2022, has continued to find that weaker ties play an important role in job mobility.

Why we miss help

We don't ask. If nobody knows what you need, they can't help.

We narrow our focus. Under stress, attention tends to narrow, and we stop noticing possibilities around us.

We dismiss unlikely sources. We assume a neighbour, a junior colleague or a stranger couldn't possibly have useful advice.

We're too proud. Accepting help can feel like admitting weakness.

How to notice more help

Tell people what you're working on. When someone asks how you are, give a real answer: "I'm trying to find a new job in marketing" or "I'm looking for a good childminder." You'll be surprised how often people say "Oh, I know someone..."

Stay in touch with a wide circle. Send the occasional message to former colleagues, old classmates and people you've met at events. You don't need to be close; just keep the connection alive.

Be curious about people. Ask questions about what others do and what they know. Everyone is an expert in something.

Read widely. Ideas from outside your field can solve problems inside it. A book about cooking might help you think about project management; a biography might help with a career decision.

Notice coincidences. When the same idea, name or opportunity crops up several times, it's worth paying attention.

Say yes more often. Invitations to events, coffees and introductions can lead in unexpected directions. Our challenge day on just saying yes explores this.

Be the help for others

Paying attention works both ways. Notice when someone around you needs help, and offer what you can: an introduction, a piece of advice, a recommendation. Generosity tends to come back around, often in unexpected ways.

Accept help graciously

When help arrives, accept it with thanks. You don't need to repay everyone immediately. Simply acknowledge what they did and, when you can, pass it on.

Try this

Write down one thing you need help with right now. This week, mention it to three people you wouldn't normally ask, such as an acquaintance, a former colleague and a neighbour. Notice what happens.

Related: ask for what you want and five ways to add connection to your life.

Sources and further reading

• Granovetter (1973), The strength of weak ties, American Journal of Sociology

Questions people ask

How do I ask acquaintances for help without feeling awkward?

Keep it light and specific: mention what you're working on and ask if they know anyone or anything that might help. Most people enjoy being useful, especially when the request is small and easy to say no to.