Stress & Resilience · 2 min read
Why Succeeding Starts with Treating Yourself Kindly
Why self-compassion, not harsh self-criticism, tends to support motivation and resilience, and practical ways to treat yourself more kindly while still aiming high.
In short
Research suggests self-compassion supports motivation, resilience and the willingness to learn from mistakes, while harsh self-criticism often leads to fear and avoidance. You can aim high and still treat yourself kindly.
Many high achievers believe their inner critic is what keeps them going. Without it, they assume, they'd become lazy and complacent. So they push themselves with harsh words, perfectionist standards and little tolerance for mistakes.
Research on self-compassion suggests a different picture. Treating yourself kindly doesn't seem to make you lazy. If anything, it may make you more resilient and more willing to grow.
This page originally hosted a guest post on this theme. Here is our own look at the evidence and how to apply it.
What self-compassion is
Psychologist Kristin Neff, who has researched self-compassion since the early 2000s, describes it as having three components:
- Self-kindness: treating yourself with warmth and understanding when you struggle, rather than harsh judgement.
- Common humanity: recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of being human, not signs that something is uniquely wrong with you.
- Mindfulness: noticing painful thoughts and feelings without suppressing or exaggerating them.
Self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem often depends on feeling better than others or succeeding. Self-compassion is available even when you fail.
Self-compassion and motivation
In a 2012 study, psychologists Juliana Breines and Serena Chen ran several experiments in which participants reflected on a personal weakness or failure. Those encouraged to take a self-compassionate perspective showed more motivation to improve, studied longer after failing a test and were more committed to avoiding repeating a moral mistake than those in comparison groups.
The likely reason: when failure feels less threatening, it's easier to look at it honestly and learn from it.
Why harsh self-criticism backfires
Harsh self-criticism can create fear of failure, which leads to procrastination, avoidance and perfectionism. It can also contribute to anxiety and low mood. Many people work hard despite their inner critic, not because of it.
Practical ways to be kinder to yourself
Talk to yourself like a friend. When you notice self-criticism, ask: what would I say to a good friend in this situation? Then say it to yourself.
Use a self-compassion break. When something goes wrong, try this short exercise based on Neff's work:
- Acknowledge: "This is hard right now."
- Connect: "Other people feel this way too."
- Comfort: "May I be kind to myself in this moment." Or simply put a hand on your heart.
Separate behaviour from identity. "I made a mistake" is different from "I am a failure". Focus on what you can learn and do differently.
Celebrate effort. Notice the work you put in, not just the outcome.
Rest without guilt. Rest is part of performance, not the opposite of it.
Aiming high and being kind
Self-compassion doesn't mean lowering your standards. You can have ambitious goals and still treat yourself with understanding when you fall short. In fact, many people find they're more willing to take on big challenges when failure doesn't feel catastrophic.
When self-criticism runs deep
For some people, a harsh inner voice is rooted in early experiences and can be hard to shift alone. Therapies such as compassion-focused therapy, developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert, are designed to help. If self-criticism is affecting your mental health, consider speaking to a professional.
Try this
Next time you make a mistake, notice your first reaction. Write down what your inner critic says, then write what a kind, wise friend would say instead. Read the second version aloud.
Related: you are more than good enough already and making mistakes and overcoming them.
Sources and further reading
Questions people ask
Won't self-compassion make me lazy?
Research suggests the opposite: self-compassion tends to make failure less threatening, which makes it easier to try again.
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