Day 26: Examine Your Peer Group | A Meaningful Existence

There's a well-worn saying that you become like the people you spend the most time with. It's an oversimplification, but there's something to it. The people around us shape our habits, moods, expectations and sense of what's normal. Today's challenge is to take an honest look at your own circle.

How the people around us affect us

Researchers Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler analysed data from the long-running Framingham Heart Study and reported, in a 2008 paper in the BMJ, that happiness appeared to spread through social networks: people with happier friends and neighbours were more likely to become happier themselves over time. Their work on social contagion has been debated, with other researchers questioning how much of the effect reflects people choosing similar friends rather than influencing each other. Still, few would argue that the people we spend time with have no influence on us.

You probably know this from experience. After an evening with some friends, you feel lighter and more hopeful. After time with others, you feel drained or anxious.

A simple audit

Take ten minutes and list the ten or so people you spend the most time with, in person or online. For each person, ask:

How do I usually feel after spending time with them? Energised, neutral or drained?
Do they support my goals, or dismiss them?
Can I be honest with them?
Do we bring out the best or the worst in each other?

This isn't about judging people as good or bad. Everyone has difficult phases, and relationships go through ups and downs. It's about noticing patterns.

What to do with what you notice

Invest in the energisers. Make more time for the people who leave you feeling better. Call them, suggest plans and tell them you value them.

Set boundaries with the drainers. You may not want to cut people out of your life, especially family members or long-standing friends. But you can limit how often you see them, steer conversations away from topics that always go badly, or be clearer about what you will and won't accept.

Look for people who share your goals. If you're trying to get fit, start a business, write or learn something new, find others doing the same. Clubs, classes, online communities and volunteering are good places to meet people with similar interests.

Be the friend you want to have. Influence works both ways. Ask yourself how your friends feel after spending time with you, and whether you're supporting their goals.

Online counts too

The accounts you follow online are part of your peer group in a way. If certain feeds leave you feeling inadequate, angry or anxious, try muting them for a while and following people who inspire or teach you instead.

Be gentle

Some people find this exercise painful because they realise they're surrounded by more negativity than they'd like, or that they're lonely. If that's you, don't try to change everything at once. One new connection, one boundary or one renewed friendship is a good start. Our article on five ways to add connection to your life has practical ideas.

Today's challenge

List the people you spend the most time with and how they affect you. Choose one relationship to invest in more and, if needed, one boundary to set.

Sources and further reading

Christakis & Fowler (2008), Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network, BMJ