Jealousy: How to Get Over It

Jealousy can creep up unexpectedly: when a partner talks warmly about someone else, when a friend gets the promotion you wanted, when someone online seems to have the perfect life. It's an uncomfortable feeling, and often one we're ashamed of. But it's also very human, and it can be handled.

Jealousy vs envy

The words are often used interchangeably, but psychologists usually distinguish between them:

• Jealousy involves fear of losing something you have, often a relationship, to someone else. Example: feeling threatened when your partner spends time with a new colleague.
• Envy involves wanting something someone else has. Example: wishing you had a friend's career, house or confidence.

Both are normal. Both carry information.

Benign and malicious envy

Research by Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg and Rik Pieters distinguishes between two types of envy. Benign envy motivates people to improve themselves ("I want to work harder to achieve what she has"). Malicious envy involves wanting to bring the other person down. In their studies, benign envy was associated with motivation to improve, while malicious envy was associated with wanting the other person to lose their advantage.

Noticing which type you're feeling can help you respond more constructively.

Handling jealousy in relationships

Name it

Acknowledge the feeling to yourself: "I'm feeling jealous."

Ask what it's about

Is there a real threat to the relationship, or is the feeling coming from your own insecurity or past experiences? Both are possible.

Talk honestly

If appropriate, talk to your partner calmly, using "I" statements: "I felt a bit insecure when..." Avoid accusations.

Build security

Invest in the relationship and your own self-esteem. Jealousy often reduces when people feel secure and valued.

Watch for control

Jealousy should never be used to justify controlling behaviour: checking phones, restricting friendships, monitoring movements. If you notice these patterns in yourself or a partner, seek help. Our article on healthy relationships discusses warning signs.

Handling envy

Use it as information

Envy often points to something you want. If you envy a friend's creative career, maybe you want more creativity in your life. Ask: what does this tell me about my goals?

Turn it into action

Benign envy can be motivating. Set a goal inspired by what you admire, and take a small step towards it.

Limit comparison

Social media can fuel envy by showing others' highlights. Consider muting accounts that trigger it, and remember that you rarely see the full picture.

Practise gratitude

Noticing what you have can balance the focus on what you lack. Try our gratitude journal.

Celebrate others

Congratulating people on their successes, even when it's hard, can reduce envy over time and strengthens relationships.

When jealousy or envy is overwhelming

If these feelings are intense, constant or damaging your relationships, talking to a counsellor can help you understand where they come from and how to manage them.

Try this

Next time you feel jealous or envious, write down which one it is, what it might be telling you and one constructive step you could take.

Related: warning: these emotions may be affecting you more than you think and you are more than good enough already.

Sources and further reading

• van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters (2009), Leveling up and down: the experiences of benign and malicious envy, Emotion

Questions people ask

Is some jealousy normal in a relationship?

Occasional jealousy is common. It becomes a problem when it's constant or used to justify controlling behaviour.

How do I support a jealous partner?

Offer reassurance and openness, but don't accept controlling behaviour. Encourage them to work on the insecurity, with a counsellor if needed.