Are You Being Your True, Authentic Self?

"Be yourself" is one of the most repeated pieces of advice, and one of the vaguest. Which self? The one at work, the one with old school friends, the one with your parents, the one alone at home? We all behave differently in different situations. So what does it mean to be authentic?

What authenticity actually is

Psychologists describe authenticity in a few related ways. One influential model, developed by Alex Wood and colleagues in 2008, describes three aspects:

• Authentic living: acting in line with your own values and beliefs.
• Not accepting external influence: not simply going along with what others expect.
• Self-alienation (the opposite): feeling out of touch with who you really are.

In their research, people who scored higher on authenticity tended to report higher wellbeing and self-esteem.

Importantly, authenticity doesn't mean behaving identically everywhere or saying every thought that crosses your mind. You can adjust your manner to different situations, more formal at work and more playful with friends, and still be authentic, as long as you're not acting against your values or pretending to be someone you're not.

Signs you might be performing

Most of us perform a little; it's part of social life. But it may be worth paying attention if:

• You feel exhausted after spending time with certain people because you're "on" the whole time.
• You often agree with things you don't believe to avoid conflict.
• You've chosen a career, lifestyle or relationship mainly because it was expected of you.
• You hide interests, opinions or parts of your background out of fear of judgement.
• You feel a persistent sense of emptiness, as if you're living someone else's life.

Get clear on your values

Authenticity starts with knowing what matters to you. Try this exercise:

1. Write down ten values that feel important, for example honesty, creativity, family, adventure, security, kindness, independence, faith or learning.
2. Narrow them down to your top three to five.
3. For each one, ask: where in my life am I honouring this? Where am I not?

The gaps you discover point to where small changes could make you feel more like yourself.

Small steps towards authenticity

• Share one honest opinion in a situation where you'd usually stay quiet.
• Spend time on an interest you've neglected or hidden.
• Say no to something that clashes with your values. Our challenge day on saying no has scripts.
• Spend more time with people around whom you feel relaxed and accepted.
• Notice your "shoulds". When you think "I should...", ask whose voice that is.

Authenticity and kindness

Being authentic isn't an excuse for being hurtful. "I'm just being honest" can be used to justify cruelty. True authenticity includes your values of kindness and respect. You can be honest about your views while being considerate about how you share them.

When being yourself feels unsafe

For some people, being fully open about who they are carries real risk, whether because of family, workplace culture or wider prejudice. Authenticity doesn't require putting yourself in danger. You can choose where and with whom to be open, and seek out communities where you can be fully yourself.

Try this

Write down one area of life where you feel least like yourself. Then write one small change that would bring it closer to your values. Try it this week.

Related: finding out who you really are takes love and courage, you are more than good enough already and stop lying to yourself.

Sources and further reading

• Wood et al. (2008), The authentic personality, Journal of Counseling Psychology