What to Do When the Grass Isn't Greener

You changed jobs, moved city, ended a relationship or started something new, convinced life would be better on the other side. Now you're there, and it isn't. The new job has its own frustrations. The new city is lonely. The new situation has problems you didn't expect. The grass, it turns out, isn't greener.

It's a common and deflating experience. Here's how to think it through and what to do next.

Why it happens

We imagine the future poorly. Psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson have studied how people predict their future feelings. Their research shows we tend to overestimate how much a single change will affect our happiness, and we picture future situations in simplified ways, missing everyday details and hassles.

We bring ourselves along. Many problems travel with us: habits, stress patterns, ways of relating to people. A new environment doesn't automatically change them.

Everything has trade-offs. Every job, place and relationship has downsides. When we're unhappy, we compare the known downsides of our current situation with the imagined upsides of another.

Adjustment takes time. New situations are often harder at first. You're learning, building relationships and missing the comfort of the familiar.

Disappointment or a genuine mistake?

The first question is whether you're in a temporary adjustment dip or have made a real mismatch. Some questions to help:

How long has it been? Many people find the first three to six months of any big change the hardest.
Is the problem getting better, worse or staying the same?
Is it something specific and fixable, or something fundamental about the situation?
Would you feel the same way about any similar change, or is it this particular one?
What do people you trust think?

If it's an adjustment dip

Give it time. Set a date, perhaps three or six months away, to reassess properly.
Build connections. Loneliness often makes new situations feel worse. Invest in meeting people.
Focus on what's in your control. Small improvements to routines, relationships and environment can make a big difference.
Notice the gains. Write down what's better about the new situation, even if it's not everything you hoped for.

If it's a genuine mismatch

Sometimes a change really was the wrong one. That's not a disaster. It's information.

Don't panic or blame yourself. You made the best decision you could with what you knew.
Learn from it. What did you expect that turned out to be wrong? What matters to you more than you realised?
Plan your next step calmly. That might be going back, trying something different or adjusting the current situation.
Avoid jumping again too quickly. Making another big change in reaction to disappointment can repeat the cycle.

Water your own grass

There's an old saying: the grass is greener where you water it. It's a bit of a cliché, but it holds something true. Before making another change, ask what you could improve where you are: a conversation with your manager, investing in a relationship, a new routine, a new friendship.

Try this

Write down three things you expected from the change and how reality compares. Then list three things you could do in the next month to improve your current situation. Set a date to reassess.

Sources and further reading

Gilbert & Wilson (2007), Prospection: experiencing the future, Science

Questions people ask

How long should I give a new situation?

Many people find three to six months a fair test for a new job or city, unless something is clearly unsafe or harmful. Set a review date in advance so you judge it calmly rather than on a bad day.