Day 5: Write Someone 10 Reasons Why You Love Them

We tend to assume the people we love know how we feel about them. Often they only know in a general way. Today's challenge is to make it specific: write ten reasons why you love or appreciate someone, and share them.

Why it matters

Expressing appreciation is one of the simplest things you can do for a relationship, and one of the most often skipped. Life gets busy and affection becomes assumed rather than spoken.

Research suggests we also underestimate how much our words will mean. In a set of 2018 experiments, psychologists Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley asked people to write gratitude letters and predict how recipients would feel. Writers consistently underestimated how positive recipients would feel and overestimated how awkward they'd find it.

Choose your person

It could be a partner, a parent, a child, a sibling, a close friend or a mentor. If you're not in a romantic relationship, that's fine; love comes in many forms. Pick someone who would be glad to hear it.

Make the reasons specific

"You're kind" is nice. "You always notice when I'm tired and make me a cup of tea without asking" is far better, because it shows you've been paying attention. Aim for a mix of:

Qualities: their humour, patience, honesty or courage.
Habits: small things they do that make your life better.
Memories: moments when they showed up for you.
Effects: how they've changed you or helped you grow.

A few starters if you're stuck:

"I love how you..."
"I'll never forget the time you..."
"Because of you, I..."
"You make ordinary days better by..."

You can hand over a handwritten note, send a message, slip it into a lunch box or read it aloud. Handwritten notes have a special staying power: people often keep them for years.

If saying it in person feels too exposed, a letter is perfectly fine. The words matter more than the delivery.

For children

With children, keep it short and concrete: "I love how you laugh at your own jokes. I love how you share with your sister. I love how you try again when something's hard." Notes in lunch boxes or on pillows are often treasured.

If it feels awkward

Many of us didn't grow up hearing this kind of thing out loud, so saying it can feel unnatural. That's okay. Awkwardness fades with practice, and the other person almost certainly won't notice it the way you do.

Extend it

Once you've done this for one person, consider doing it for others over the coming months. A parent's birthday, a friend's milestone or a colleague's farewell are natural moments for a list like this.

Today's challenge

Write ten specific reasons you love or appreciate someone, and share them today.

Sources and further reading

Kumar & Epley (2018), Undervaluing gratitude, Psychological Science

Questions people ask

Can I do this for a friend rather than a partner?

Absolutely. The exercise works for anyone you care about: a friend, a parent, a sibling, a grandchild or a mentor. Many people find a list for a parent or an old friend means even more, because those relationships rarely get this kind of attention.

What if the person reacts awkwardly?

Some people aren't used to direct appreciation and may laugh it off or change the subject. That usually says more about their comfort with compliments than about how much it meant. Many people reread a note like this privately later.